Who Needs the Kamasutra? Tina Tells It Like It Is

I love challenges. Linguistic challenges such as one letter L in American language and double L in U.K. English. Or, "when do I double the consonant preceding the -ed ending of a verb?"

Today, I take upon the unusual challenge of going through a series of commonly known but rarely practiced sexual positions. No photos or pictures. Just words in a Q & A format.

--Tina, what is a missionary position?

--A missionary position is that one in which a man/woman puts himself/herself on his knees while offering a 10 K piece of jewelry to his/her significant other. The offering had better come in the colorful acqua bag from Tiffany, or else.

--Tina, what is the position "I go on top?"

--This is a very intriguing question. If a woman goes on top that means she is quite busy on the phone, at the beauty salon, shopping on Rodeo Drive, chatting with friends on line or at a café while the significant other is slaving his life away at some stupid cheap corporation, such as GE or our government's NSA.

If it's a man on top, that means he "works on line" all day long, surfs the Net, has a ton of virtual friends and excuses for taking calls from total strangers (to his significant other) and takes a siesta from all this hard work while the partner works in and outside the house, supporting the leech.

--Tina, what is a sideways position ?

--Ah, ha! Wonders never cease. In the days baby-boomers were younger, this position meant the opposite of its meaning today to both boomers and surviving parents. Sideways means the couple sleeps with ear-plugs on, their derrières barely touching while they snore their night away.

--Tina, what does a 69 mean?

--How fascinating! I got this question in my mail box just yesterday. A 69, or a soixante-neuf, or billandmonica, isn't what people talk about or imagine. For one partner, it's the ingestion of proteins; for the other, a jetstreamrelease of unnecessary stress. Some partners like to yell, "Flegma, schmegma! And not ingest the liquid proteins."

--Tina, what is phone sex?

--Phone sex is a practice among boys and girls of all ages. If they don't have friends, they just pick United or any big company and pretend a business interest. Depending on their luck, they will achieve their goals. In United's case, remember to say loud and clear, "Operator!" if you get the robot. Maybe you are into cybersex, but robots are still not fully ready, linguistically speaking. Also keep in mind United's hubs are Chicago, Denver, Miami... Chicago is a great phone hub.

And that's all, folks! TBA...

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